Tag Archives: kids

Tree Climbability Scale


Resident Tree Climbing Expert

My oldest daughter is a monkey.  There’s no visible tail, so maybe she’s an ape.

At any rate, she’s always on the lookout for a good climbing tree.  There’s the cherry tree at my parents’ house and the tree out front at my in-laws’ house where she’ll climb the branches and read for hours if we’d let her.  She knows a good climbing tree when she sees it.

I tell you this to give a sense of  the depth of knowledge my daughter has in this area.  She knows her stuff.

So, without further ado, Ginny presents her Tree Climbability Scale.

A Poor Selection

Me:  On a climbability scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being an awful tree to climb and 10 being the best tree ever, what number would you give this tree?

Ginny:  A zero.  This one wouldn’t be good for climbing because it doesn’t have any branches on the bottom.  Unless you were a monkey.

Me:  I thought you were a monkey, Ginny.

Ginny: I am, a little.

A Better Option

Me:  What do you think about this one?  Scale of 1-10?

Ginny:  Probably a five for that one.  It’s too small but the branches look strong enough to hold you.

Me:  Would you climb it if there weren’t park police driving around?

Ginny:  Yes, I would (teeheehee).

Primo Climbing Tree

Me:  How would you rate this one?

Ginny:  A 100!   Awesome!

Me:  What’s awesome about it?

Ginny:  The branches are closer together and they’re easier to climb.

Me:  Do you think you could climb as high as Mommy?  She’s a monkey, you know.

Ginny:  I did climb as high as her.

Me:  Right.

Ginny’s 5 Tips for Choosing a Climbing Tree

  1. Make sure you can reach the branches.
  2. Look for one where you can go high.
  3. Look for branches that are strong enough to hold you so they won’t break.
  4. Find places to hold onto.
  5. The branches should be close to each other or you might not be able to reach them.

Me:  Do you have any advice for kids who might be afraid to climb a tree?

Ginny:  Do not climb high trees if you’re scared of heights.  Choose a short one so you won’t be scared of falling.

Me:  What about grownups who are afraid to climb?  Hypothetically speaking.  I don’t know anyone like that.

Ginny:  I’d probably say the same thing.

Me:  Let’s go find some short trees!


The State of OUR Union


President Obama will soon give his State of the Union address to cheers or consternation (depending on which side of the aisle you’re on). And while the President’s address has some impact on the overall workings of the country, what he says won’t really have an impact on the daily life of my family. I’d like to offer a much more meaningful and impactful dissertation on the state of OUR union.

My wife and I have been married for nearly twelve years. We have three awesome kids who bring joy to us each day (no lie). I’d like to offer some updates on domestic issues that I feel should be highlighted:

*LABOR The number of workers in our domestic workforce will increase twenty percent. How is this possible in the days of high unemployment? Our son will turn two soon and has been doing more and more things around the house like putting away his toys, books, and sippie cup. His workload will increase throughout the year, therefore the increase in labor.

*THE ENVIRONMENT The First Lady and I have made a concerted effort to destroy the invasive species colorus televisius and its cousin flatus screenus. I am happy to report that all specimens have been removed from the domestic environment which has resulted in unprecedented tranquility, reduced spending, and greater communication across all departments.

*POPULATION Population totals are expected to remain stable. However, we are not completely opposed to welcoming new members and if they should arrive, appropriate measures will be taken to ensure that they are welcomed and their needs met until they can effectively contribute.

*DOMESTIC SECURITY A great indicator of the level of domestic security is the level of debt that has been taken on. I am pleased to report that debt has been attacked and is retreating as we speak. Within half a year, all debt is expected to be driven from our home, creating a safe and secure financial environment. The enemies of student loans, credit cards, and hospital bills will not be welcomed back.

*HEALTH The premiums are too durn high. Some things are out of my control.

If you’re married, consider the state of YOUR union and make the necessary changes to make it better.

~TV STiNKS


Battle Lines Drawn


Bring it.


Crouching, scheming, my opponent draws up her plan. Wary of the first-timer’s untested ways, I reach back in my mind to similar battles fought years ago. Where would I strike first?

“The Rookie”, a title that has caused many an opponent to go easy on her – until she snatches victory from them, consults with her advisor. She strikes first. An unconventional move, to be sure. But this is not a conventional war. No, my friend.

You're no match for me!

As the battle raged on, an astute observer might have compared it to a tango, rather than the gruesome and difficult ordeal it was. Resolute, I press on, vaulting over the orbs launched in my direction. Intended to throw me off track, I use them to my advantage.

In the end, my experience is too much for The Rookie. I conquer her former territory and take it as my own. Respectfully, as a defeated foe might be expected, she replies, “That was SOOOOO fun, Daddy!”

~TV STiNKS